so lost.

God, I’m so lost.  So lonely.  It’s gotten to that point again where I just feel so hopeless and I don’t know why.  I guess a part of me then feels like I cannot be saved.  I’ve been in the desert for almost a full year now and I know it’s going to continue after I leave Blacksburg.  It’s so hard to that quality time and quietness/stillness of the heart here.  The temptation to be around friends and to get by is so strong but recently I found myself compromising in ways I never thought I would.  Shocked, dazed, dead..I simply found myself in a larger hole.  Confused, hurt by the hurt I brought upon myself, I felt the urge to run to God.  But I didn’t.  Why?  I just felt so much heartbreak as I turned towards Him and it was so great I couldn’t bear it.  I want to cry but it’s so hard to cry here.  I’m so heartbroken over my own mistakes and because the mistakes lie so similar to the ones done against me in the past and it’s something I don’t want to go through with God at all.  The topic always makes me so angry and feel so helpless every time we start to approach it again.  Right now I’m on the edge of officially graduating and yet I just can’t do it anymore.  Do things I couldn’t care less about right now.  Two more research papers.  Half way done in all of them.  How can I really be doing this to myself.  How can I just slack off like this right now.  Truth is.  I can’t work.  Something needs to change and I know it’s me but there are things to finish up first.

God.  My prayer is simple.  I’m desperate for you.  Just make a way.

A new journey 3:42pm

So.  I’m done with college.  Almost.  I walked on Saturday and although it didn’t feel like anything up to the point of it, as I stood before the stairs leading up to the stage of the GLC auditorium, I felt my heart thump inside of my chest.  “”Oh my God.  I can’t believe this is happening.”  It felt so surreal since the biggest and the only focus I really had was my family.

My family came on the 14th (a Thursday) before my graduation to spend time with me and to venture around my school since they’ve never done it before in the eight years that both my brother and I had spent at Tech.  It was so so so stressful and I kept experiencing strains in my chest and heart region because I was so worried, tense, and anxious about my parents lack of salvation and thus clarity when I tried to talk to them about missions.  I held onto so much anger about the past that God has recently brought up that I still could not forgive them for the present and the present changes God has made in them.  I was also so tired and sad about these past four years when I half reflected on them because they were so painful.  Truly, they were very memorable because I will never forget the path the I had agreed to when I gave my heart to God on that very second Sundy of my Sophomore year at school.  I will never forget how closely God kept near to me and how He really was all I had.  It was such a lonely and trying time with so much heartache, heartbreak, torment, anguish, despair.  I still remember all those times where I would be grasping in the dark for air, gripping my chest because God was taking me to such scary places in my heart.  All those nights where I would hide behind my bed in my room in dark so my family wouldn’t hear me.  Or when I would lock myself in the bathroom in the dark and on the floor.  All those times where I would hear the wailing of my soul deafen me from the inside.  All those times I cried silently at home and kept quiet.  All those hours I would stair at the ceiling and zone out, wishing I was somewhere in the wild.  Somewhere where I would have peace.  Dead.

I remember Him asking me to Trust.  I remember Him letting me know He didn’t want to hurt me, that He was gentle, that He was there.  All those times where I felt like He wasn’t.  That He really did care.  That He really did have compassion for me.  That He really does understand me.  That He really does love. me.   

All I can do when I can’t believe it is look at Him on the cross.  And then I get so sad.  Sad because all of that that happened to me in the past still doesn’t change but that He really did suffer all the pain in the world and does know how I feel.  And I am devastated by my lack of faith and His great love. 

“Accelerate growth, that is what I hear for you,” Oscar told me after I shared a little bit of my story with him.  Tears came to my eyes as I stared hard into his; my jaws clenched as I tried to maintain composure.  That’s what these past four years have been.  It’s hard to find a peer, someone my age and my sex, to grow with me because I’m sprouting like a beanstalk.  I don’t get everything that other people get, but I’m really getting fed and I’m trying to encourage everybody to grow fast with me too.  It gets lonely when I can’t see the other beanstalks around me and most of them that I have been blessed to meet and understand me are so much older, twice my years.  I feel like a fast growing child yet still a child. 

I’m going to post what I have now because Willis asked if I was done yet.  =P

Aspirations

If I could be or do anything it would be this:

Change the world
open a restaurant
be a dancer
missionary worker
publish a book/thesis/critique
indirectly affect change in politics
be on the cover of Time, maybe postumously
be a doctor
have a family
live for God
raise my children for God
advocate awareness

I see myself:

dining with kings
being regular/grounded
healed

If I ever was a high school teacher in the States, the two books I would assign my class to read are:

Confessions of an Economic Hitman
Ishmael

Hello world!

I can’t believe I’m almost graduating.  I know everybody’s saying that, but I really can’t fathom it yet.  I think the feeling is starting to settle in after attending the senior banquet yesterday.  I just feels..wow.

These past four years have been all about moving mountains.

I wanted to be a child inventor when I was young.  The ppt yesterday stated I was still trying to figure out my next invention or something.  And then it hit me.  I am at the college I am supposed to be.  I want to invent the future.  I want there to be change.   A big one.  for Him.  I’ve never thought it about it as much as I have in these past few months.  Everyday gets closer to that prayer

I think everybody should live with passion.

Sometimes I can’t imagine how many things we hold onto and how insecure we are when I think about how this whole life is a process of dying to ourselves.