Omg I’m not perfect

Do you ever just replay a series of events that just happened in your mind over and over again?  After you had a conversation with someone you’re not comfortable with, do you break down every milimeter of that person’s change in facial expression to the best of your memory, or how your tone must have sounded, whether you stuttered or spoke confidently, were you too proud in your own self when you spoke or were you communicating in love?  Omg, I think I do this all the time when it comes to people I feel like I’m in a situation where I have to get to know the person.  What it comes down to with me is that last question.  Was I communicating from a confident place that is secure in my identity in Christ?  When I feel that I do, I feel so grateful because the only way that was possible was to be able to receive that kind of love from God- I am on cloud 9. But most of the time, my friends, the answer is usually no.  And you know what?  HE LOVES ME ANYWAYS =D  There’s no need to be image conscious or place my worth in my performance.  My mistakes didn’t break the world.  It’s okay.    That’s been the lesson God has been honing in on this past month and from the results I’ve seen so far, all I gotta say is that when He has your back, He has your back    God is good.

insecurity #1 and identity

hello, so one of the things i noticed recently was how smart my boyfriend really is.  suffice to say, he scored a 1400 on the old SATs without studying, and finishing up early only to use the restroom and then sleep for the remainder of the period.  WTH.  I can’t say that i studied nor did as great but i know some smart people who paid $1000′s for prep courses just to score a 1400.  that’s ridiculous.  Anyways, i’m jealous.  More and more everyday, i see just how much information that boy can absorb, retain, retrieve, and regurgitate.  it’s incredible and i am green with envy.  Why?  Is it that i desire to solve world hunger with all this knowledge that i could be using if i had the capability?  No.  Is it that i want to become the next steve jobs and earn fame?  No.  It’s simply that before Christ, I used to identify myself with how well i did in school.  I was extremely cocky and took grade pride in my grades, not showing them to anyone but quietly building up my self-confidence and ideas of self-worth over the letters on report card.  What a fool i was   I’m so proud to say those days are over but with Mike displaying his remarkable memory capacity as we serve the youth kids at church, i find myself back-sliding LOL.   anyways, what i wanted to say is: will God not allow me take part in His awsome, adventurous, glorious plan because i’m not that smart?  No.  Will God disqualify me from doing great things in His name for Him because i am not as smart as i like to think i am?  No. Will God simply just say “Next!” and look for the person in line behind me?  No.  and that’s why i love God so much. He doesn’t exclude me even though I’m not perfect in the areas i wish i could brag about HAHAHA ^^ Honestly, at the end of the day, I don’t even care about that stuff.  I just want to soak in His presence and let Him reaffirm His awesome love for me.  if i ever found myself in school again, i’m kinda sure i would find myself struggling between identifying myself in grades vs. Christ, but I know God is greater and that i would ultimately choose Him over any awesome grade in any awesome class any day.    Can’t live without Him!  ecclesiastes, jer 29:11, rev 3:7-8

Something i forgot i wrote two years ago:  Sometimes I can’t imagine how many things we hold onto and how insecure we are when I think about how this whole life is a process of dying to ourselves.

mm.  perspective.